Our last week together, and “surviving” for now

Posted on May 18th, 2010 by BreAnn

It’s interesting that such a big change is occurring in my life at a time where so many changes are happening for many others.  I think this time of year always seems to be a popular time for breakups, weddings, and babies being born. I wonder why that is?  Also, this week is graduation time for many. The end of 4+ years of hard work, and time for new possibilities and hope.  Maybe all the changes at this time of the year is the Universe’s way of “turning the tides” or “changing it up” to keep us all on our toes; to keep life interesting. Who knows.

Saying goodbye at the airport

Our last week together before Martti left was probably almost as nice as the first weeks we spent together when we started dating. Went for some nice dinners are “our” places, did some traveling/touristy things, made some great meals together at home, had a romantic picnic on the beach, talked about all the things we love about each other, spent some quality time together with friends, tried to just enjoy the time we had left together.  And when we said our goodbyes at the airport and cried together, we wished each other well and happiness in the future, and expressed how either of us were the best thing that had happened in each other’s lives. Wow. Such profoundness for the end of a relationship.  It’s funny how you can sometimes feel so much closer with a person in the eve of a breakup than you have through a lot of the relationship itself.

As for me now, I’m just surviving as well as I can. Trying to keep busy. Scheduling a lot of time with friends. Planning future trips/travels. Reciting inspirational quotes to myself to help me stay positive.  Working out. Trying to get my DVR space down under 80% full. Talking to the dog. Catching up on work and personal things.

Martti left on Thursday (May 13), and Sunday would have been our 2 year anniversary….   so it’s only been a few days still and is somewhat hard to wrap my mind around the whole situation.  It’s strange how it doesn’t really feel like it really happened. Like it’s a movie that’s playing in my head.  Like maybe he just left on vacation and will be back next week. Or maybe I’m in denial that it truly is OVER.  Maybe my brain is completely avoiding all thoughts of anything emotional because it’s just been put through so much pain already and it’s reached the threshold and just shut down.  Like I’m just “numb” now.  Or MAYBE we are only allotted a certain amount of tears for each person in our lives and I have surpassed mine for Martti.

I’m actually really astonished I haven’t cried more than I have.  Obviously, taking Martti to the airport on Thursday was extremely difficult and tearful, and saying goodbye was like stabbing a million knives through my heart and my body, and I had to put cold washcloths and ice on my eyes and my face that day and night to take down the puffiness of the “all-out-bawling” that anybody *hopefully* only experiences a few times in their lives.

But Saturday and then Sunday, too, were probably the first days I haven’t cried in probably the past two months!  Maybe it’s relief that I can finally try to “move on” and start the healing process, since the last few months have been day-to-day excruciating pain and heartache of “he’s leaving” and “it’s over” and “I’m going to miss these things together” as we were going on with our lives still living in the same apartment, same routines together, going to the same restaurants together, enjoying times together, but all happening while we KNEW he was going to be on that plane in only a short amount of time and it would be over.  Who knows.

It might hit me like a ton of bricks in a few days or few weeks . . . or maybe, like I said before, I’ve just surpassed my limit of tears and there is nothing left to cry.

So for now . . . I guess I’m OK.  I’m a bit “blah” and empty, but I’m surviving.

And surviving is all we can do in situations like this in life. Raise your chin, take a deep breath, and trudge on . . .

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