Trudging on . . .

Posted on July 5th, 2010 by BreAnn

Life has been trudging on. The first month after Martti left, I had been doing surprisingly a lot better than I thought I would; hadn’t been too depressed, but I hadn’t really been particularly happy or inspired about anything at all. Just continuing that overall “blah” feeling. But I also think I’ve still been in denial, as the thought in the back of my mind that “maybe one day in the future it Could still work out for us” still lingers.

But I’ve been hopeful in some ways in general, and just trying to stay positive. Also, I’ve actually gone on a few dates already… totally random, and nice . . . but I’m just not even close to being ready for ANYTHING, so they were strictly one-time dates.  I also went to a free speed dating event last week which was “interesting”, but nobody really stood out in the group, and now I’m “stuck” dealing with FIVE guys from the event who are interested in hanging out with me . . . . but I’m really not sure if I can “deal” with it all right now.  I went to the event initially because I’ve just been trying to do new things and say “yes” to any invites to any activities to get myself out there. But I just don’t know if I have any business putting myself in this position anyway. . .

At about the 1- month mark, a lot more sadness and emotion began to creep up on me, about the same time my mom and grandma came in town for a visit. Something about having them around made me really miss Martti and I found myself extremely over-emotional and pretty much holding back tears the entire time they were here. Visiting places that him and I had a lot of memories together didn’t help, and going to places like Disneyland that Martti and I had planned to go together—but never got a chance to go—made it more painful, too.  And what really made it DRASTICALLY harder and worse were a few things that happened while they were here . . .

One night over dinner, my grandmother got all teary, saying it absolutely broke her heart that Martti and I broke up, and she went on to talk about how my grandpa—who passed away several years ago—mentioned that he really wanted to live to see my sister and I get married. And my grandma goes on to say, “And now there’s me . . . and I’m getting so old . . .” and she didn’t finish what she was saying, but I knew what she meant.  She’s devastated because she really thought Martti and I were going to get married, and now that we broke up, she’s worried she might not be around to EVER see my sister or I get married.   Ugh… that comment absolutely broke my heart in pieces and still tears me up inside.

Then, a few days later when my mom and I were arguing about something stupid, in anger she said something to me so devastatingly hurtful, vengeful, and unforgivable that truthfully destroyed the one tiny shred of self confidence I had left in myself after this breakup . . .    SIGH . . . .even writing this now and thinking about it brings me to heavy tears.

SO . . . unfortunately, things have not been going as great as I had hoped, but I’m still “trucking along” and struggling to keep my head above water and keep a positive outlook about everything.

Meanwhile, I just got back after an amazing wedding weekend in San Diego. One of my best friends, Natanya, just got married, and the whole weekend, event, and wedding was B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!  I am SO happy for them, it was extremely endearing to see them together, and see Natanya all happy and gushing. It really made me think about life and love and choices we make, and really yearning for that true, utter happiness and love with somebody . . . OK, well with HIM . . . but when you see a couple on their wedding day in such amazing marriage bliss, it really makes you excited for them and wishing to have those same feelings as well!


It’s just hard when you think about how life is so short . . . and that it definitely is too short to not have love . . . so it’s extremely sad thinking about how we let the relationship slip away from us and wish we could rewind the clocks back and do things differently . . .

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2 responses to “Trudging on . . .”

  1. Maryann from Los Angeles says:

    My heart is heavy for you. I know it’s difficult right now. My only suggestion is to just remember the wonderful times you had with Martti because they were so very special. You never know what the future holds; if you two were meant to be together, you will be, so never give up hope, and keep your beautiful memories and your love with Martti close to your heart.

  2. Ann says:

    Love you…

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